Sunday, June 8, 2008

Responsibility and Goats

This is Erin writing:

one thing i have become more and more aware of since our arrival to l'abri is my inability to just take on "small tasks". i have believed, somehow, that the bigger my responsibility in any given situation...the more of a "leadership role" i am taking...the closer i am to God. suddenly i am seeing the flaw in this framework of thinking and i am saddened by the undue pressure i have put on myself to perform and to reach "the mark" or high standard i have for myself...and believe God has set for me. always achieving (i MUST have a master's degree! IMUST run a marathon), always working towards something (I MUST teach a class at church and be the director of a full-time ministry!)and finding it very hard to rest for fear of being scolded as "selfish" or "lazy"...these are some of the burdens i have bourne. as far back as i can remember, i have felt ashamed when all of my time is not being used "productively."

there are three mother goats here at l'abri. each are fat, and the kind of smelly, unattractive kind you would find at the petting zoo in omaha. but in the last few weeks they have each birthed one or two kids! and these goats are so beautiful!!! just seeing them cuddled up next to each other, one resting his head on the back of another; their bodies all twisted up in a pretzel of coziness...just BEING around them has brought me great joy.

while wrestling with my disobedience of God's invitation to "rest in me" and admiring these new goats, i have been doing some reading that confronts my issues of shame and identity. one such reading was a sermon preached by francis shaeffer called "no little people, no little places." some of my favorite quotes from his sermon:

...that which is me must become the me of God. then,, I can become useful in God's hands...
...much can come form the little if the little is consecrated to God...
...to be wholly committed to God in the place where God wants him--this is the creature glorified...
...God does not say that size and spiritual power go together--he reverses this (ep. inthe teachings of Jesus) and tells is to be deliberately careful not to choose a place too big for us...
...we all tend to emphasize big works and big places, but all such emphasis is of the flesh--to think in such terms in simply to hearken back to the old, unconverted, egoist, self-centered me. a dangerous practice to want bigger...we all want to be boss..to be in control...to have the word of power over our fellows...
...there are no christian gurus--minister is not a title of power, but of servanthood...
...we are tempted to think: 'I will take the largest place because it will give me more influence for Jesus Christ'... [this is backwards]...in a lower place it is easier to be quiet before the face of the Lord (not easy, just easier)...

and the clincher for me:

"we should consiously take to lowest place unless the Lord himself extrudes* us into a greater one" (of more responsibility and authority)...to be extruded is to be forced out under pressure into a desired shape...

for me, this was a wake up call. i have been ashamed the last year for working at whole foods and crane coffee, only part-time--and quitting my full-time job (which used my training from a college education.) i have been ashamed because i was thinking that God required greater things from me...and i was letting him down. and i didn't even realize i was thinking this! i have also been challenged to think about who my heros in life are since arriving here. Mother Teresa is always a women who comes to my mind. Billy Graham and Elisabeth Elliot and Martin Luther King come to mind. without realizing is, the "models" i have been trying to emulate are people with power and somewhat of a "world platform." but that's what is championed in our culture isn't it?? the bigger the better? but then i began thinking about people who are my everyday heros...women and men in my daily life who are neither famous nor looking to be. and about the more famous ones...how they must have started out just being involved in what they loved to do. just living daily lives and by doing this with courage and faith! now i realize...this is who i want to be! living life, in the moment, and working hard, through joys and pain, to find my full rest in God.

now back to the goats... : ) it has been somewhat of a challenge for me to be here in someways, because a lot of what we do here is eat, study, drink tea and sleep. sometimes i get antsy, and i want a bit more responsibility to keep me on my toes. but without seeking it out, the leader of l'abri, Wim Reitsma (in holland) noticed my strong loving feelings towards the goats...and he asked me kindly if i would mind being in charge of feeding and looking after them on a daily basis throughout our stay.

without asking for "more work" to do...a leader noticed something i enjoyed, and decided to impart a piece of the responsibility to me! of course i would like that! if he would have asked me to clean all the toilets, everyday...maybe i wouldn't be so excited...but he is asking me to do something i already love and enjoy doing anyway! in my mind, this is exactly how i would like to live out my life! finding rest in God, and finding enjoyment in the interests HE has given me, i pray that i can trust that He will enlarge my territory and bless me indeed.

because even without the blessing (the power, the recognition, the responsibility), i am realizing (slowly), that HE is enough!

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Erin & Jade - i've just now begun to read about your adventure! What a wonderful time you've had, and i'm only on June's posts. Erin, you are truly a woman after my own heart, and i hear you during your comments about resting in Him and simply enjoying the responsibilities he brings our way. I've listened to/read a bit of Schaeffer, but hadn't heard this particular sermon. How wonderful that i should read it today! I've just applied, interviewed, and then not received a higher position where i work. I knew a few days before they let me know they were going to hire another person that I would have to turn down their offer if they would have said I could have the higher position. God, ever so gently, impressed upon my heart in quiet moments leading up to the day I learned i wouldn't get the job that I needed to rest in him and be satisfied in His timing/plans for me. What a beautiful thing it is to be loved by this magnificent God we serve! I've experienced such peace about the job situation, and then this week found that i would be able to be a co-sponsor of the campus ministry on my campus. I wouldn't have been able to do this had I received the other job. This is a long 'comment' to your post, but your words were so confirming that I had to let you know that they resonated with my experience of late. Simply enjoying Him, rather than seeking the bigger responsibility/job, etc...is such a restful place to be.
Ok, i'm done, and now i'll continue to read about your Summer!
:)